From the pen of a 40 + year old survivor of childhood abuse. She is being treated with Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) therapy.
“It has been interesting uncovering the damage to an 8 year old psyche and its impact on the present. I admit it has been unsettling having what I thought was “a slightly rougher than normal childhood” to a very destructive experience. So much lost time and opportunities to be forward looking and happy. I feel that I am grieving again for a lost childhood and happiness only this time for the right reasons. It is a more peaceful grieving if there is such a thing, much less anger and unsettled feelings. I am letting go of internal blame for not being someone’s twisted version of perfect. The EMDR has helped the logic process it through. I thank you for not suggesting that I have to forgive or “get closure” with my family. That would not be productive. There is no hope that things would change. If there was any chance for changes to occur, it would have happened years ago before I walked away. Her instability is so profound that it takes precedence to saving any possible family bond. I can understand what has happened to her in her own childhood, the glimmers of reality that became evident as I grew up. I do not forgive her decisions but I let go of their impact and control over me. Is that the same thing? Probably, but the word forgiveness is not something I care to use with my childhood. The road ahead looks more peaceful, and perhaps there will even be a small piece of joy to be had.”